Why I Became a Foster Parent

One of the questions I get asked most often (aside from “are you colorblind?” — I’m not!) is “why did you become a foster parent?”

Like any complex decisions, there wasn’t a single factor, but I’ll try to highlight the significant ones here.

My role model did it

The answer I usually give is that my best friend started to foster. That’s true! She became a foster parent years before I did, in another state, and I was able to see both the impact she was having, as well as how manageable she made it all seem (even through a seemingly endless series of crises for her foster children, current and former).

(Borat voice): my wife

Growing up, my wife had a good friend who was in the foster system. She, unfortunately, got to see some of the less-good sides of the system through her friend, as well as rare glimpses into the shining moments.

When I pitched the idea to my wife, I expected reluctance, but she was all aboard.

Babies are hard and gross

We’re licensed for kids 7 and up. Realistically, we’re unlikely to ever get a placement under the age of 13. There is, unfortunately, an inverse relationship between age and desirability¹ of foster placements. The number of families taking teenagers in my region (and statewide, and presumably countrywide) is vanishingly slim.

With a 16 year old, they might get mad at you, but they can communicate their needs. I do much better at de-escalation and expectation management when I can explain my reasoning and understand where the other person is coming from.

I learned it from you, grandma

My mother was adopted, along with her siblings. While I didn’t grow up in the foster care system or anywhere near it, I was no stranger to the concept of found family in all its forms.

I come from Iowa, and one the values I was raised on is that if you see someone with a problem you can solve, you help them solve it.

Conclusion

There’s probably more reasons than this, and these might not even be the “real reasons” (I can’t tell you why I went to the college I went to. There were a million factors, most of which I was never aware of. Do I wear the brand of jeans I do because I saw an ad at an impressionable age, because my mom bought them when I was young, or because I’ve tried others and like these the best? Probably some combination of the above and more! And those are jeans!)

At the very least, these are some reasons, and at the moment, they seem true.

1. I am really not a fan of this phrasing, but have yet to find anything that is as clear. Many people get into fostering because they want a baby², or because they have a (usually young) family member to look after, usually following some tragedy or another. ↩

2. Which is a different issue. Foster care is not meant for permanency; the primary goal is to reunify the kids with their parents or family. ↩