In 2021, I started tweeting microfiction about my dog.
Here is the complete set:
- My Labrador weighs 1000 pounds and her teeth are made of solid granite.
- My dog eats uranium and can jump over houses
- I remember when my dog was born. She crawled out of her cocoon a scant 80 lbs. Her first word was her name, croaked out in a hoarse bark. “Lacy”
- My dog drinks about 1,0000 gallons a day. We had to smuggle her out of a previous state after she drained a reservoir when I was distracted.
- My dog is cloaked in shadows, and rapidly sheds her needles under direct sunlight.
- My dog is banned in 41 states.
- My dog is a literature snob. Refuses to read anything newer than 1700. If it’s good enough for the Bard, it’s good enough for me, she says. That, unfortunately, includes street signs. One of the leading factors in her driver’s license being revoked.
- The moon holds no sway over my dog.
Not anymore.
- My dog’s hooves are steel and flint, sparking and singeing the ground as she runs.
- She sleeps inside a mirror, waiting for the light to strike so she can awaken and stride out, one thousand fractured labradors.
- Her tendrils cause rainstorms and are studied by the Department of Energy
- Her tongues, thick as ropes, continually quest for her many roaming children
- Sailors dream of Lacy when the moon is bright and full and the fish fear to bite. And Lacy? She dreams of them right back.
- Lacy once caused rolling blackouts throughout the Midwest when I left her plugged in too long
- Her many eyes are bulbous and warm, tracking my scent with every flick of her tail.
- When lacy wants to go out she raps her moist knuckles against the stars
- The blur lines on VHS tapes are caused by Lacy’s tail swishing with excitement.
- Lacy cannot swim in the way that you or I understand it.
But the water doesn’t dare let her sink.
- While Lacy CAN step into any shadow and reappear in any other, she prefers to Kool-Aid Man through doors, windows, and walls of my home.
These repairs account for 60% of my monthly budget.
- Lacy smothers horses and other prey in the seam of her disjointed thorax.
- Lacy is the reason ships stopped disappearing in the Bermuda Triangle. She abhors a triangle and resented the news coverage.
- The grand canyon and the Rocky mountains are the result of one of Lacy’s more enthusiastic digging sessions.
- Lacy cannot be photographed. The results from the few cameras that aren’t immediately incinerated produce an image that looks NOTHING like her.
Do not be fooled by these unsound fabrications!!
- The guilty are forever kept awake by Lacy’s snores. They hear them over many miles, forever pursuing them and the crimes they thought went unwitnessed.
- Lacy’s paws, each as big as car doors, receive radio signals from 31 countries.
Her twin antennae, on the other hand, twitch whenever she hears a lie.
- Lacy once ate a bag of fireworks. They’re now a favored snack.
- When Lacy is in heat, her keening wails can be heard for miles around.
- The Voynich manuscript is Lacy’s birth certificate. The scholars who witnessed it wrote down what they saw, or at least the parts their mind could process.
- Lacy doesn’t like me sharing these facts.
- When lacy unfurls her leathery, metallic wings, the spores that shake off inspire dozens of poets to pick up pens, infatuations to blossom to romances, and app delevolpers to release updates.
- My heart thumps in time with Lacy’s tail ♥
- Lacy doesn’t sleep, she only goes dormant.
-
You know how most dogs can’t see shades of red? Yup, that’s Lacy’s fault. She can see more than 3,000 shades of red. Absorbed the ability from her kin like some kind of Highlander situation.
- In 1947, Lacy crash landed over Roswell, New Mexico.
- Lacy’s antlers twist and grow when she smells malice in the hearts of children.
-
Where Lacy weeps, palm trees grow. Where she drools, canyons form in the earth. Where she bleeds, oceans form. And where she pees, no other creature dare tread thst ground.
- Lacy’s twin tusks disrupt compasses for miles around
- With every breath, my dog exhales millions of fireflies that illuminate the streets with their fluttery orange glow.
- Some say that the shifting sands of an hourglass keep Lacy at bay.
- If you ever need to get a message to Lacy, whisper it into the smoke of a house fire.
- When Lacy gets excited, the wagging of her tail has been known to knock satellites out of low earth orbit.
- Whenever she wakes up, Lacy begins her morning routine, a process not entirely unlike molting.
- When Lacy has nightmares, the whole house trembles.
- Lacy can emit any pheromone or scent she’s encountered before.
Late at night, she smells like home.
- Every morning, Lacy names her followers, imprinting them with all the memories they’ll need for the day.
- A dense cluster of mushrooms grows out of Lacy’s shell. The fungal forest is home to many small mammals that keep her clean in exchange for shelter.
- In the foggy hours of the morning, Lacy stands in for lighthouses, her brilliant fur acting as a beacon for lost sailors, swimmers, and pilots.
- Lacy’s bark can be heard for miles.
- Lacy’s wings always unfurl to provide shelter to those in need.
- When Lacy needs to travel a great distance, she just grows very, very large.
- My dog can read discarded bones like newspapers from the day they were made.
- Lacy’s fins can detach to lure away predators
- Every night before bed, my dog reads me a bedtime story.
- Lacy’s growls can be heard on all the even frequencies of an FM radio.
- The slightest touch from one of Lacy’s paws can freeze a lake solid through
- My Labrador wears a monocle and solves crimes on the weekends
- Every time a kid counts all the way to 100, Lacy gains another name
- When the weather is nice, Lacy takes her fleet of fire trucks for a walk
- Lacy is so shiny,
- Lacy isn’t allowed in Seattle anymore. Last time we were there, she picked up the Space Needle and carried it around like a large bone
- Lacy’s tail always points due East.
This makes her particularly difficult to walk.
For the rest of 2024, each Friday I am sharing a story about my dog. We said goodbye to Lacy in October. From the Hart is wearing black and acting in a somber fashion.